Never in a million years did I imagine I would be in this position, let alone telling my intimate story on a public forum but unfortunately the time has come.
For the last 25 years I have lived with Social Anxiety, this is something I have managed through its ups and downs behind closed doors. Currently, with everything that has happened it is at its worst which makes putting my story out there for all to see even more challenging.
I lost my virginity at age 19. Despite the support of a very caring boyfriend sex was never easy for me and unfortunately during our time together it became impossible. Sadly, in my mid-20’s this contributed to the end of my relationship, which at the time was completely devastating.
I repeatedly approached my GP asking for help, she was always quite dismissive and after a gynaecologist advised there was nothing wrong with me physically, she refused to listen, deeming it psychological, even though I insisted it wasn’t.
On the last occasion I tried to get help from her, I walked into her room and was sobbing before I even sat down. I told her how this issue was affecting my life, causing me great distress. She said to me, “it’s not considered important on the NHS and I’ve got other patients to see.” I was stunned into silence. I walked out of the surgery in a daze, feeling completely alone, like I had nowhere else to turn.
The years rolled past, and I tried to embrace my single life, making jokes with friends about the length of time I had been unattached. I watched everyone around me get married and start families, all the while I felt unable to even entertain the idea of a relationship. It was heart-breaking. My body did not work properly, I was broken as a woman, defective. I felt that no man would want me.
In my late 20’s, early 30’s, I started getting back problems, thankfully I now had private health care through work. I saw the physio over a number of years and had trusted I was receiving the best treatment, but the pain got so bad I insisted on an MRI. It was a good job I did.
When the results came through, I didn’t need the surgeon to point out what was wrong, my lower disc had come out so far there was no way that sucker was going back in! The only option was an operation to cut the protruding section away.
A year after the operation in November 2011, my back was playing up again causing me pain. I made an appointment with a spinal specialist physio, my faith in the previous guy had been exhausted.
The treatment was vastly different this time, not so aggressive. There was no twisting and snapping and cracking me in half. He started the exam with me laying on my back, then he gently moved each knee towards my chest. My left knee did not get close and I joked with him “oh it doesn’t go any further.” I could tell by the look on his face that this was not a good thing. It was at this point he advised I will need an MRI scan because I have a severe impingement of my left hip. Completely shocked I chuckled and asked how severe it was? He replied, the worst he has ever seen, which really was not what I wanted to hear. He then explained to me this was causing my back pain as it was pushing out my posture. He was shocked my previous physio had missed it, he said it was glaringly obvious.
Suddenly alarm bells went off in my head!
I found it excruciating trying to get the words out but eventually asked the physio if this could be the reason for my difficulties with sex. He replied saying, the impingement was so severe he is amazed I was able to have sex at all. Ever.
At this point I burst into tears and just sobbed. It was not all in my head. It was not psychological; it was a physical problem. Basically, my legs don’t open very far because there’s bone in the way and because of this the muscles in my groin are short and tight making penetration at first difficult, then impossible. I couldn’t stop crying as I explained to the physio how difficult the last 10 years had been and how it had made me feel.
When I met with the surgeon to discuss my MRI results and he reconfirmed the severity of my hip impingement. He again stated it was not a psychological problem, it was physical. He too was amazed I had ever managed sexual penetration.
Again, I sobbed. I sobbed whilst detailing how my GP had treated me, whilst telling him it had been 10 years since my last relationship. I sobbed retelling how I had watched all my friends and family marry and have children. I told him how I longed to meet someone and have a full sexual relationship.
I cried a lot over the next few months. I felt a deep grief for the years lost and for the failure I had felt I was, however, there was now a but and it was a big but, there was now hope. I could think about dating again, I could see the future I wanted in front of me. Even though it would be difficult, I now understood sex would be possible.
My operation went ahead a few months later, the 8th February 2012 to be precise, I was now age 34.
A while after I came around, due to all the drugs in my system I threw up and not being in full control of all my bodily functions yet, accidentally pee-d. My timing was impeccable as ever, just as my sister and her boyfriend walked through the door. I immediately made a joke and yelled ‘don’t come in yet, I’ve just wet myself.’ I could hear them laughing as they about turned.
The nurse helped me tidy things up, but I got a bit of a shock when I dried myself, I nearly jumped through the roof. The pain in my clitoral region was absolutely excruciating.
As well as my sister, my parents were also at the hospital. When they came back in the room, I called my Mum over and whispered to her very awkwardly questioning why I would be in so much pain between my legs? Mum was also confused and concerned.
Later, when the surgeon visited my bedside, I was utterly mortified to ask him why I was in so much pain in my clitoral region, especially when the operation was keyhole through the outside of my left hip? He shouted at me “I TOLD YOU THERE’D BE BRUISING!!!” I was so shocked and taken back I didn’t say anything. He hadn’t told me this at all.
Over the next few months the bruising went down, the pain went away, and everything seemed to go back to normal, although I was still having physio for a while after.
Being single and alone for 10 years I knew my own body very well. It was not long after I had healed, I realised something was very wrong. I had always reached intense orgasm, via my clitoris. Suddenly, at the point of no return, my body would cut out, like a light switch being turned off. Dead.
I could not go to my GP, because of course I knew I would be told it is all in my head. That is the cruel reality you see, if the medical world cannot find an answer, they’ll insist it’s psychological, which really is the most despicable thing to do to a person. I knew with absolute certainty that this was not the case, it wasn’t in my head and I was not going back to a GP to be treated with such disdain.
Over the next 2 years I struggled in silence, searching the internet on and off for answers, nothing made sense.
Finally, by chance, I put in the right search. I found out that during a hip arthroscopy a piece of equipment called the perineal post is used as traction to open the hip joint. The post is positioned between the patient’s legs, heavy weights are then put on the patient’s feet thereby pulling the genitals against the post. I read on my heart now racing. The document said that the perineal post is known to cause damage to the pudendal nerve. I had no idea what this nerve was so carried on reading. I felt sick. I then read the words that confirmed my worst fears. It said the pudendal nerve carries sexual sensation from the clitoris. I sat there shaking and breathless as my world crashed down around me.
My genitals had been crushed against the post!
My pudendal nerve had been crushed!
I had been castrated!
I felt emotionally and physically broken as it sank in what had happened to me. My body had been mutilated. I felt violated. I contacted the surgeon straight away to ask if this is what had happened to me, if he had used this post on me. It was and he had.
I have since found out that, apparently, due to my hip impingement I was at higher risk of damage and should have been warned of the risk before my operation. I wasn’t!
I also discovered that as soon as I reported the pain and bruising to him, I should have been given ice to reduce the swelling and compression. I wasn’t!
I was completely horrified to find out that I could have also been left in permanent pain and incontinent front and back. I would say luckily, I was only left with sexual dysfunction, except I don’t feel very lucky.
I am completely devastated that I will never again feel that beautiful sensation throughout my body, either alone or with a partner. The thought that I can never share that physical intimate connection with another person is unbearable to me and something I just cannot come to terms with. I am permanently sexually frustrated, I still try alone, and my body cuts out at the same point each time, like a light switch, dead, and every time it makes me cry.
I once again feel broken, defective, unable to entertain the idea of a relationship. I feel like no man will want me because I don’t work properly.
If I were to meet someone. I could easily give my heart away. I would not think twice at risking heartbreak for the chance of love but…… to be vulnerable with my body, to trust someone intimately, to face rejection because my body is defective. I just don’t know.
I have been dealing with all this for such a long time now that I can talk about it without the extreme embarrassment I once felt. My clitoris is part of my body and I will not feel shame discussing it or telling my story.
I have been in an ongoing complaint against the surgeon and numerous medical bodies for the last 6, soon to be 7 years, which has been incredibly difficult. The complaints system is not set up to protect the patient although its outward formal complaints guidance will have you believe otherwise. Like all powerful bodies it is bias and will close its ranks to protect itself, twisting and manipulating the facts to suit its own stance.
It is shocking how I have been treated, how the surgeon neglected to update my medical notes, has lied, refuses to answer my questions and now fails to acknowledge my existence, I am just an annoyance to him. He and the rest of the medical world think I will just disappear, fade into obscurity. They think ignoring me will eventually lead to me giving up. They fail to understand how the injustice I have experienced provokes a fire inside of me that will not just burn out.
When power, money and reputation are involved justice is extremely hard to find and it seems is only available to those who can afford it.
Living with such injustice has at times taken me to the darkest of places. I cannot express enough the irrevocable damage it does to a person having the truth covered up and denied to you because the Surgeon, the Political Leader, the Company Vice President, the Multi-Millionaire, the Movie Mogul are simply believed due to who they are, because of their hierarchy, their status, their friends in high places.
Injustice is soul destroying, gut wrenching. It makes you feel sick to the pit of your stomach and unable to catch your breath. It is a mental torture that is enough to drive a person crazy reading the lies produced in defence of the indefensible.
I do not know how to walk away from this, I cannot just move on, so I will continue to fight until I am heard, until there is change, until there is justice. I had the right to be told of the risks to my body, we should all have that right.
More information at https://linktr.ee/Beneathmybeautiful
Julie you are such a beautiful girl x
I’m sitting here reading your story crying for you x I often wondered why and how no one has snapped you up now I understand x please keep fighting I understand your loss it must be so difficult as us girls have needs too x I hope you find peace x
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Thank you so much lovely, I really appreciate your kind words ❤️ xxx
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Wow! Thank you for sharing, very emotional read, sending you big hugs.
You are & always have been an strong amazing lady.
Never ever give up fighting xx
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Thank you so much Michelle, I can’t tell you how much I appreciate the support ❤️ xx
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Hello Julie
We both cried when we read your story, We had no idea that you had been through so much torture.
If there is any way that we can help you, even if you just need an ear when you want to talk, we are at the end of the phone any time that you may need us.
All our love to you,
Linda and Rob xxxx
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Thank you both for such a kind and supportive message, I can’t tell you how much it means to me ❤️ xxx
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Julie you are an amazing strong beautiful woman and I’m so sorry to hear you have endured all this and been made to feel ashamed of it. To endure all this and still be one of the nicest kindest people I’ve ever met says so much about the truly beautiful person you are inside and out. Being so open, honest and upfront to any potential boyfriend will sort the good from the bad so that any man that truly appreciates a good woman will want to understand and support you and look at ways to show you the love you so deserve. One advantage to being older is that older men may be more appreciative and work with you to truly find a way for you both to fill a need the best way possible. None of us are perfect. Be confident, be you, keep fighting but also enjoy yourself. You so deserve to be happy. I hope you win your case soon so you can move on and do everything you want.
Please try not to go to dark places, accept where and who you are and move forward. Writing this in itself is a huge step in the right direction and there have to be others in the same or very similar situation you just need to find them and get in touch. Mr right could be right there just waiting for you. Happiness attracts happiness and I wish you so much happiness so you can put the past behind you and enjoy your future. Love always. Carol
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Carol thank you so much for such kind and caring words. I am so overwhelmed at all the support I have received. I’m really hoping sharing will create positive change for me and for others. Love to you too xx
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Sweetheart, I’m sitting here reading this crying for what you’ve been through and the injustice you have recieved. You are a beautiful woman inside and out. I just want to hug you, but safely first. So a virtual hug and lots of love coming your way. Keep fighting my lovely. Xxx
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Thank you sweetie for your lovely message, I really appreciate your support. It means so much xxx
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Wow, I had no idea what you’ve been going through. You’re always there to listen to me and my problems, and I want you to know I’m ALWAYS here if you need me. It must’ve taken a lot of courage to write this, and I hope you get the justice you deserve. Sending you lots of love xxx
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Thank you so much for your support lovely, it really means the world to me xx
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I don’t know what to say Julie. I didn’t want to read and not reply. You are unbelievably strong for sharing this. My heart goes out to you lovely.xxx
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So sorry for the late reply Sam, I missed the notification. Thank you so much ❤️
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Thank you for letting me read your story. My god, these surgeons are just butchers. We are just a piece of meat fling around on an operating table. I’m so angry for you. We have all got our stories of how we have been damaged and it’s got to stop. Please keep me posted xx.
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Marion, thank you so much for your kind message and taking the time to read my story. That is exactly how it feels doesn’t it, like we are piece of meat and a pay cheque. I agree it does have to stop. The medical world needs educating and fast. I will do. Thank you ❤️ x
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You are an amazing woman and a wonderful friend. Please know that I will support you through this in any way I can. Even if it’s just being here when you need to swear xx I pray you get justice. Don’t lose hope – that lucky man is out there waiting to find you and love you the way you deserve to be loved.
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Thank you so much Jan and ditto.
So glad to have met you, sadly through our fights for justice.
Your kindness and friendship has been such a massive support to me. Thank you ❤️
I too am here for you in your fight for justice. You deserve it you really do xxxx
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Reading this has made me so angry Julie and you’re right, firstly not to be ashamed of your body and secondly, to demand justice for the damage done to you both physically and emotionally.
Yes our doctors, nurses and surgeons are wonderful people who perform miracles daily but that doesn’t and shouldn’t make them above the law or unanswerable to their mistakes or callousness.
You’re one of the most genuine, kindest people I’ve had the pleasure to work with and I always considered our team more family than colleagues, it breaks my heart to know that you were having to deal with this appalling situation privately whilst outwardly continuing to be the amazing professional you were day in and out.
Stay strong and don’t give up either the fight for justice or your hope of love as I truly believe both will happen.
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Thank you for your kind words of support it really means so much as does your friendship.
I will keep fighting ❤️
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Thank you for sharing your heartbreaking story. I first read it a fortnight ago, and have since returned to re-read it several times. I fear that my fiancee and I are facing exactly the same challenge- that of femoroacetabular impingement (FAI-pincer type) in her hip, which is becoming increasingly worse. Sex has become all but impossible, and if we were to conceive, I fear that natural birth would be out of the question. I would love to ask you for some advice if you don’t mind. I don’t see an e-mail address for you on this blog, but I’m sure you will be able to find mine (I had to fill it in when leaving this reply). Hope to hear from you soon. God bless and stay strong. Nick
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Hi Nick, thank you for your message. I am so sorry to hear of the difficulties you and your fiancee are facing. Of course, I will email you.
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You’re a beautiful person. Please find a means to intimacy and sensuality, and enjoy life.
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Thank you for your message Matt.
I do very much find the joys in life and I will continue to so. There are indeed other means to intimacy and sensuality but my body was mutilated taking from me something extremely personal and precious and for this I am grieving.
I am speaking out for justice and to create awareness so this doesn’t happen to anyone else.
Thank you for taking the time to read my story x
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Thanks for sharing your story. Physicians and the general public need to be more aware of these terrible hardships being inflicted on women. I have only just learned about such cases in the last few days. Very shocking and heart breaking. Keep up the awareness efforts.
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Hi Mark, thank you so much for taking the time to read and for your support. It has been shocking to me too how many of us there are, things have to change and hopefully speaking up and creating awareness will help.
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I am so sorry to read your story. Words aren’t enough to convey my anger and rage at what happened to you. You have shown such courage and bravery, when it must be so hard to just carry on. The world can indeed be a cruel cruel place. I hope and pray that you get the love that you wish for and deserve. I also hope you get justice for the extremely poor and uncaring medical treatment you received.
I too have severe generalised anxiety and have had what is, looking back, poor medical treatment. Unfortunately some doctors act like Gods and yes if they don’t know what is wrong try to imply the problem is psychological. We don’t expect them to have a magic wand but they should fully inform of us of the risks involved in treatment and listen when we tell them of our pain and be honest when they don’t have all the answers.
I wish you all the best for you health and happiness. Take care.
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Wendy thank you so much for taking the time to read my story. I really appreciate your support.
Unfortunately, I have discovered many women intimately damaged like me over the past year, through various different procedures.
It seems they weren’t advised of the risks either which I think is a breach of our human rights. So much damage and so needlessly.
Anxiety is the worst, my SAD is terrible atm, it’s been the hardest part about going public.
It is truly shocking the ignorance, arrogance and ego of some of these medical professionals.
I agree, honesty is not much to ask for, we all deserve to know the risks to our own bodies before an op.
Thank you and to you. Take care ❤️ xx
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this reminds me of all the women out there with vulvodynia. You have been wronged by so many doctors. Women’s health is not taken seriously at all in the UK. we need to educate people on this topic more. I hope you will heal one day, keep hope and the nerves can heal with time
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Thank you so much for taking the time to read ❤️
I completely agree, far too many of us have been treated in this dismissive manner. Things have to change.
I’m trying to create awareness to prevent others going through similar treatment.
We put our trust in these people and to be let down on the scale we are is shocking.
Thank you so much xx
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There’s so much more to your wretched ordeal than I thought. This is awful. Terrible. In so many ways and so far reaching and consequential.
You certainly do need to be heard. In the interests of everyone.
I am so sorry.
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Clive, thank you so much for taking the time to read, I really appreciate your continued support, thank you. ❤️ Xx
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Your story is heart-wrenching. I felt saddened being left with 100% erectile dysfunction after being struck by a car (on my hyoneymoon, no less). My prayers go out for you to meet a man who can accept your sexual limitations. There are so many approaches to sex besides the old pole-in-a-hole. Go girl!
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Thank you for taking the time to read and for your message Lou. I’m so sorry to hear about the accident on your honeymoon. Just heartbreaking 💔
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